


The Princess Bride But Gay And They Say Fuck

by SemperAeternumQue



Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (Album), The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (Comic)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, M/M, Mild Gore, Not Really Character Death, Romantic Fluff, Some angst, Violence, as always this cherri is kobra's age, as opposed to my canon cherri, light misgendering, newsie chimp d and pony also show up briefly, not in an actually romantic way, there is some kobra/korse shit but only in a forced-engagement sort of way, this was NOT supposed to end up this long jfc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27157627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SemperAeternumQue/pseuds/SemperAeternumQue
Summary: Honestly what it says on the tin. Take the tenderness of the Princess Bride,,,,and make it kobracola. Also they say fuck a lot.
Relationships: Agent Cherri Cola/Kobra Kid (Danger Days), Fun Ghoul & Jet Star (Danger Days), Fun Ghoul & Party Poison (Danger Days), Kobra Kid & Party Poison (Danger Days), background jetpoison
Comments: 25
Kudos: 24





	The Princess Bride But Gay And They Say Fuck

**Author's Note:**

> Bet you thought I wouldn't call it that.

Kobra Kid stalked out towards the barn, saddle in hand. It was an ordinary, boring afternoon, and he had some excess steam to work off. "A girl. A _girl_. Really. As if it's that fucking hard to remember who I am." Fine, he was seventeen and bitter. So take him to the king's court or whatever.

The cool breeze calmed Kobra's anger a little bit, and by the time he got out to the stables, he was able to look calm and somewhat collected.

He tossed the saddle to the farmhand- Cherri Cola, that was his name, not that Kobra cared, or anything. "Farm boy, polish this saddle."

Cherri stared at him a moment before nodding slowly. "As you wish."

That was all he ever said.

Kobra would have found it annoying, but Cherri was one of the few people that didn't annoy him nowadays. He must have been about Kobra's age, hardworking and quiet and okay, _kinda_ handsome, what with the way he was always trying to get his hair out of his face and his eyes which were blue, but more sea than sky-

Okay, fine. Kobra did think about him a lot. But it wasn't as if he actually knew how to talk to people, so he mostly just told Cherri to do things and sometimes stuck around when it was a rough day.

Today was a rough day, and Kobra found himself sitting on the muddy ground as Cherri finished chopping the wood.

"You don't usually stick around," the other noted after a few quiet moments.

"Shit day. Don't want to go inside."

Cherri tossed a piece of wood to the side. "Why?"

"Don't get to be me." It wasn't the most effective way to explain, but it was what Kobra's brain spat out and he was going with it.

The other understood, somehow. "Wrong name, wrong pronouns?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

Kobra stared at him in confusion.

"What is your name and what are your pronouns?" Cherri clarified.

"Kobra, he/him."

"Ah. I'm Cherri, also he/him." Kobra swore he was blushing as he stared at the ground. "Not that you actually asked, but I figured I should say mine, since you said yours-" he cut himself off, sounding rather embarrassed.

Kobra searched for words to be reassuring. "It's nice to know your name." He had already learned Cherri's name, listened to people talk, but he wasn't going to say that.

"Oh. Yeah. You too." Cherri looked much less collected without his usual 'as you wish', brushing aside his hair and smearing a streak of dirt across his face as he picked up the saddle. 

Neither of them said anything else to each other that afternoon, but Kobra was content to sit in a fair bit of mud next to someone who understood him. And if the goddamn red dress he was wearing got ruined in the process, well, that wasn't exactly Kobra's problem, was it?

* * *

The next time they spoke, Cherri was hauling buckets of water back and forth for the horses, and Kobra came to stand silently nearby. It was a bright, sunny day this time, the sun beating down on his shoulders.

"Are you going to help, or just stand there?" Cherri's tone was light, almost playful as he picked up a bucket.

Kobra blinked in surprise. "Help, I guess." He joined the other, accidentally splashing a bit of water on his feet. He was certainly used to farm chores- even if you grew up heir to the farm, you were still going to do some chores- but surprised at how friendly Cherri had sounded.

"How's your day this time? Less shit than before?"

"Yeah, less shit than before. You?"

"Not awful. Better now that I have some company."

Kobra had no idea what to say to that, cheeks burning. "Oh."

"Plus, less work for me." His grin was nervous in an adorable kind of way, and Kobra couldn’t help but smile back. 

“I ought to make you do this on your own if you just want to get out of something,” he tried to joke.

“Well, you are free to go.” Cherri sounded a little disappointed, but his tone stayed light. 

Kobra splashed a bit of water at him, barely believing his own daring. “I don’t actually want to leave.” 

“And I don’t want you to either.” Cherri’s face cracked into a smile as he splashed a bit of water back, sloshing his bucket around.

“Rascal.”

“Scoundrel.”

“Drama king.” 

“Who splashed me first?”

They both ended up laughing and partially soaked, the task done not quicker, but far more happily.

Kobra knew his parents disapproved of him spending time with Cherri, especially since he often came back messy, but that wasn’t going to stop him. Nothing stood between Kobra and the only person who both tolerated and understood him- and if it did, Kobra would simply find a way around it. Conversation after conversation, they learned more about each other- Cherri was also trans, and was a runaway, and his favorite color was pink- and spent unnumbered hours talking. Conversation after conversation, year after year until they were both nineteen. Often, Kobra came up with small tasks for Cherri to do just for an excuse to see him, especially as they both grew busier. 

And every time, Cherri replied with a quiet “as you wish”.

* * *

“I don’t know. Is this love?” Kobra was talking to his sibling again, the person who had been dead since Kobra was just a child- he knew everyone wanted him to forget them, but he couldn't. Dead or no dead.

Predictably, they didn’t reply. 

Kobra pressed on anyways. “His smile makes me feel all fluttery. And he looks safe. He makes my day better just by existing. Do I love him? Could he ever love me?”

The words fell silently into the quiet of his little room, broken only by the chirping of a cardinal. A bright red bird, just like his sibling’s hair had been red. 

“I guess I love him.” Kobra glanced out the window, finding Cherri hard at work chopping wood again, just like he had been the first day Kobra had really talked to him. As you wish...

As. You. Wish. 

I. Love. You.

It could be a coincidence, Kobra told himself. It was probably just a thing Cherri said. 

That didn’t stop him from watching the other’s face carefully the next time he asked for something, watching Cherri’s lips curl into a soft smile that easily reached his eyes. His lips said ‘as you wish’. 

His eyes said ‘I love you’.

Kobra could have fucking fainted, if he was the type of person for that. I love you. Somehow, the thought of actually having a chance with Cherri was more terrifying than the thought of silently pining and then getting over it. 

“Kobes? You okay?”

Kobra shook himself out of his thoughts, certain his face looked flushed. “Fine, just... thinking.” _About you and your stupidly handsome face_. 

“Alright, then.” Cherri turned to set to the task Kobra had set him with his usual grace. Kobra knew that wasn’t a dismissal- Cherri had made it very clear he was always welcome to hang around- but he made his excuses and hurried away. Oh, he was in deep now.

* * *

It was almost two weeks before Kobra had worked up the courage to do anything about his revelation, and even then he had no real plan. It was a nice evening, if a bit chilly, and Kobra was trying to put together a soup as Cherri passed outside the open door with his usual hum of concentration.

Kobra stared at his retreating back, barely daring to break the peace of the moment. “Farm boy!”

His voice was a little shakier than he would have liked, but Cherri turned, coming to a stop in the doorframe of the cottage. “Yes?”

“Farm boy....” Kobra cast his gaze around, finally settling his eyes on a pitcher a bit above his head, well within reach. “Fetch me that pitcher?” 

Cherri’s expression was unreadable, but he slowly took a step over the threshold, and another, until he was right next to Kobra. Only then did he reach for the pitcher, having to stretch a little to do it. “As you wish.” His voice was very soft.

The moment was somewhat ruined by Cherri stumbling as he came off his tiptoes. “Damnit! Tall people, putting things in high places!”

Kobra had to laugh at his familiar indigent face, reaching to take the pitcher. “You’re just too short, I think.”

He wasn’t too successful at actually taking it, as his hands landed on top of Cherri’s, and the other sucked in an audible breath. “Kobra.”

“Cherri.”

“Kobra, I...”

Kobra let him trail off, not releasing the jug. “Does ‘as you wish’ mean what I think it does?”

“Yes.” Cherri whispered.

“Then I love you too.”

“Really?” His eyes were full of hope tempered with fear, making Kobra’s heart ache a little.

“Yes. Really.”

Cherri’s eyes flicked down to Kobra’s lips and back. “Well, I...wasn’t expecting that.”

“You deserve it.” Kobra followed Cherri’s gaze up and down, glancing at his chapped lips. “You can- you can kiss me, you know.”

“As you wish,” Cherri whispered, and leaned in to press their lips together.

They were rudely interrupted by the pitcher knocking into Kobra’s hip and then bouncing against Cherri’s. “Fuck!”

“Fuck,” Kobra agreed, but he couldn't help a grin, lifting the pitcher and setting it on the counter. "There. Now we can try again."

"As you wish," Cherri murmured again, and this time his lips met Kobra's with no interruption.

He was a very gentle kisser, Kobra thought breathlessly, and a very good one too. Although he smelled like wet grass and mud, which wasn't such a good combination. 

"You smell like dirt," Kobra muttered when Cherri finally pulled back.

"Hazard of working on a farm." He was smiling.

"You'll have to bathe if you want any soup," Kobra told him. 

"Alas, a great tragedy." Cherri flashed another grin. "I'll be back in a moment, don't eat all of that without me."

"As you wish."

He got the great fortune of watching Cherri turn red all the way up to his ears, and turned back to the soup with a bit of satisfaction.

* * *

After that, Cherri moved into the little cottage on the hill where Kobra lived, and it wasn't quite so lonely anymore. And after many, many more gentle kisses like that, and soft mornings and farm chores and wrangling the particularly stubborn cow together, Cherri asked Kobra to marry him. 

Well, what he actually said was "You know, I've been thinking of going to sea."

"What?" Kobra stared at him across the breakfast table, all the gentle happiness of moments before draining away.

"Not forever," Cherri quickly specified. "Just for a little bit, because, you know..."

"No, I don't."

"I'm a farm boy. I have no money. And you're not exactly a noble, but you're a lot higher born."

Kobra frowned. "Why does.... oh. _Oh_."

"If you wouldn't- I mean, I know it would be a little soon to get married, but I thought I'd run it by you before I went running off to sea dramatically." Cherri offered his dorky smile, and Kobra sighed.

"I obviously want to marry you, but is running off to sea really the only option?"

"I guess probably not, but it's the only thing I could think of."

Kobra sighed again. "I'll love you no matter if you find a fortune or whatever."

"I know. And I love you too." Cherri stared at the table. "But I want to do things the proper way."

"The proper way can get fucked." Kobra reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. "I love you. And I'm not going to stop you, but...what if you don't come home?"

"No force in the world can stop true love. Nothing. So I'll come home to you no matter what." Cherri sounded so confident that Kobra couldn't help but trust him.

And so he let Cherri go.

* * *

Cherri didn't come home. Not for weeks. And then came the worst day of Kobra's life so far.

"We regret to inform you that the ship The Blue Moon was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts and his ship The Renegade." The messenger's face was impassive, tinged with faint sorrow, Kobra noted in a detached sort of way. "And as you know...." She squirmed a little under Kobra's cold gaze.

"The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no prisoners," Kobra finished for her, hearing no hint of emotion in his own voice. Hell, he had no idea what he was feeling right now. Only numbness remained.

"We've had to inform the families of everyone who was on the boat." Her gaze fell on the little wooden ring Cherri had left Kobra, a temporary symbol of commitment before he would get a real ring. Cherri had carved it himself, and Kobra treasured the small token. "I am so sorry for the loss of your...."

"Fiancé. He was my fiancé." He twisted the ring so hard it almost flew off his finger.

"I'm sorry."

"That doesn't bring Cherri back."

The messenger said nothing else, and Kobra didn't try to stop her when she rode away.

* * *

Now Kobra was alone in the cottage again, this time permanently, and the farm felt lonelier than ever. The only thing stopping him from running off to sea and seeing if he might meet the same fate as Cherri was knowing that the animals needed someone to care for them. Every day he remained on the farm felt exactly the same, endless grief mixed with the pain on his long-calloused hands from trying to do all the chores alone. 

When a handsome if rather unkind prince came and swept him off his horse with a promise to make sure the farm was taken care of, Kobra was almost happy. Nothing removed his misery, but at least with the farm taken care of and him away in the palace, the ever-present reminder of Cherri's absence was gone. The only evidence he had ever been there was the wood ring that hung on a chain around Kobra's neck even though he had a fancy ring from a prince, now. While five years had passed and the grief had faded a little, he loved Cherri. He did not love the prince. 

So Kobra kept the ring around his neck and rode his horse whenever he could, taking him away from the palace and the prince and every misery he could think of, alone with his thoughts. Not that his thoughts weren't miserable too, but at least he didn't have to fake a smile around the rest. New prince of Florin, a great honor, his ass. The only reason he was in this marriage was that the prince liked the look of aforementioned ass and no one said no to the prince. Least of all a broken-hearted farmer.

Lost in his thoughts, Kobra had ridden far from the palace, and when he brought himself back to the present, he found three strange travelers by his horse.

"Hello, my good sir," said the tallest one. "Do you happen to know if there's a village nearby?"

Kobra racked his memory. "Not that I know of. There's nothing nearby, really."

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream," said the one with red hair, and their voice sounded terribly familiar, but Kobra couldn't place it.

"You sound-" He started, and that was as far as he got before the short scrawny one tackled him off the horse.

The trio of outlaws dragged him through the woods for who knew how long, blindfolded and gagged. Finally, the tallest one untied his blindfold as they came to a stop at a small dock. "There you go, your highness."

"Don't fucking call me that," Kobra tried to hiss, but all that came out were muffled noises of indignation. 

"Oh, my bad!" They offered a smile gentle enough that Kobra almost didn't swear at them when they removed his gag. _Almost_.

"Fuck! Fuck you and whoever your fucking crew of outlaws is! Why can't you pick on people your own size?"

The red-haired one, who was not an insignificant amount shorter than Kobra, came stalking over at that, glaring straight through him. "We're hired to start a war, that's why. Plus, no snotty little prince is someone we need to worry about picking on. Leave Jet the fuck alone." They turned and stalked away.

'Jet' sighed and shook their head. "Don't mind Pois, they're all pissy because they can't be hunting down their object of vengeance or searching for their little sister right now. Now, we are paid to kidnap you, mind, but we aren't entirely heartless." They offered that gentle smile again, just similar enough to Cherri to make Kobra's heart ache in remembrance. "Come on, let's get on the boat. You can call me Jet Star, by the way."

"Yeah, she's the brains," called the one Kobra had nicknamed 'short' in his head. They were scrambling about tying knots and things currently, lopsided grin firmly set on their face. "Pois likes to think they are, but we all know Jet's the smart one."

"Fuck you!"

Kobra was starting to think maybe being kidnapped wouldn't be so bad. Certainly, it was more entertaining than hanging around prince dickface. "So what, you're some sort of outlaw gang?"

"We," Jet Star said with great dignity, "Are the terrific trio."

"That is the worst goddamn name I've ever heard." It sounded like something Cherri would come up with.

Jet looked a little hurt. "Well, it's a work in progress."

"I'm Ghoul," short grinned. "Fun Ghoul, 'cause I'm the most fun."

"And I'm Poison."

"Edgy."

They ignored Kobra rather huffily, and he smirked to himself. Maybe being kidnapped could be fun, actually.

The boat made its way across the water fairly smoothly, the trio mostly ignoring Kobra as he watched their antics.

"Hey. Ghoul."

"Yeah, Jet?"

"Really, Poison means no _harm_."

"But they.... are rather short of _charm_."

"Do you think there're rocks ahead?"

"Well if there are, we'll all be dead!"

Poison huffed a sign. "No more rhymes, I mean it!"

"Anyone want a peanut?"

"Arg!"

Kobra snickered and earned himself another glare from Poison. Weirdly enough, sitting in the bottom of a shitty boat after being kidnapped by three random outlaws was the most he had laughed since Cherri's death. Although, to be fair, it wasn't as if Prince Korse was particularly funny, or even nice. And he had _nothing_ on Cherri in terms of wit.

Speaking of Korse, Kobra probably ought to threaten these outlaws a bit more. "Prince Korse will find you, you know. He's the best hunter in all the land."

"And we're the best fucking outlaws in all the land," Poison scoffed. "I'd like to see him try."

"Would now be a bad time to tell you that there's a boat following us?" Jet asked.

"Fuck. Where?"

"Right there."

Kobra turned his head to peer as well, finding an unmarked black ship sailing after them just as fast as they were going. 

"Fuck! Increase the speed."

"We're already going at max capacity, boss," Ghoul called.

"Double fuck!"

As the rest bustled about, Kobra stared at the boat and tried to decide if being kidnapped by these people or whoever that was would be worse. Probably whoever that was, given that these three seemed friendly and somewhat incompetent. Eh, it wasn't like he had much control here.

The boat landed at what Poison called the Cliffs of Insanity, and Kobra was bustled out onto the shore. 

"Up we go," Jet said, hooking a harness around each of them. "I hope you can do a lot of pull-ups."

Kobra could not, in fact, do a lot of pull-ups, despite working on a farm his entire life. That wasn't exactly the muscle he had most developed, and it certainly hadn't gotten any stronger during his time with Korse. However, as it turned out, the other three were quite capable of making up for his lack of strength. Ghoul was far stronger than their short, small frame would suggest, and Poison equally so. Jet was probably as strong as both of them combined, Kobra thought, watching her pull herself up effortlessly. 

Their plan had some flaws, though, it seemed, as the black boat pulled onto the shore underneath them, and a man in a black mask hopped out and began to climb right after them. 

"Fucking hell!" Poison swore. "Jet, can we go any faster?"

"Not unless you three can do a lot more pull-ups a lot quicker." Jet was starting to look tired. Kobra was starting to _feel_ tired. "I'm strong, but I'm making up for a lot between you and Prince Kobra, Pois."

"Fuck. I knew I should have trained better for this."

"Don't call me prince," Kobra muttered, but he didn't think the others heard him or cared if they did. He did try to go a little faster, though, not particularly liking the look of the man below him.

Finally, finally, they reached the top, and flopped onto the top of the cliff. Poison was the one who got up first, holding out a hand to Ghoul. Ghoul proceeded to hand them a knife, and Poison went right ahead and sawed away at the rope.

"Stop!" Kobra acted before he could even think, running over to their side. "Stop, he'll die!"

"That's the goddamn point, your highness," Poison hissed, and Kobra still didn't know why their voice was so familiar.

"You can't just-"

"I can."

"You're no better than the Dread Pirate Robbins," Kobra snapped, suddenly unable to even look at them.

"I guess not," Poison muttered. "I've killed before, I'll do it again if I need to." There wasn't much force behind the words.

Kobra sat on a rock and faced away from them, childish as it might be.

He heard Poison cuss behind him, followed by "Well, I guess there's not much fucking use in cutting it now. Come on, have a hand up, bastard."

"Why thank you. Very polite of you, really."

Kobra turned to see the same masked man as before being hauled up by Poison, who looked distinctly unhappy about the turn of affairs. "Happy now, highness?"

"Yes," Kobra answered honestly. 

Poison groaned under their breath as the masked man wiped a hand across his face in a strangely familiar gesture.

"I'm not as strong as I used to be, I think. I'm afraid I'll be repaying your generous hospitality by attempting to steal your prisoner, but first, did I hear someone mention the Dread Pirate Robbins?"

"That was his highness," Jet offered helpfully.

Kobra shot her a glare. "Call me Kobra."

"What about the Dread Pirate Robbins?" Ghoul was perched cheerfully on a ruined archway, grinning in a somewhat mischievous way.

"Well, that would be me," the masked stranger said. His voice was strangely soft, but he didn't drop the slight smile. "I figured I'd see what people say about me behind my back."

Kobra gritted his teeth. "Only that you're the most cruel person to walk the earth."

"Ouch."

"And that you've killed everyone who you've ever fought."

"Untrue."

"Well it doesn't matter who lived, since you killed my fiancé." Kobra was aware he sounded like a pouty child, but he didn't care.

"Kobra-"

Kobra stood up. Took a step forward. Grabbed the knife Poison was holding, and slashed his bonds with it. "You. Killed. Cherri."

"Kobra-"

"And now I'm going to kill you." He lunged, clumsy and unpracticed, but the Dread Pirate Robbins only took a step back, letting the knife just miss him. Kobra lunged again, and the pirate repeated the maneuver. "Fuck you! Stop toying with me!"

"I'm not, I don't want to-"

"Poison can kill you like they were going to," Kobra hissed, and that was all it took to get Poison to lunge for the pirate, sword in hand. 

"Take the prince and run, you two," they ordered as the Dread Pirate Robbins was forced to draw his sword and defend himself.

Kobra protested vehemently, but was ultimately powerless as Jet slung him over her shoulder and Ghoul hopped down from the archway. And away they went.

"Sorry, highness, but usually messing with Poison is a shitty plan," Jet explained as she and Ghoul tromped away.

"I hate you," Kobra muttered. "And I hate Poison."

"Aw, don't say that, they're off getting you revenge for whoever your fiancé was," Ghoul contributed. "Who were you going to marry anyways, a prince like this last one? You must be pretty highborn to be marrying egghead."

Kobra stared at the road below him, watching it go by. "He was a farm boy. Poorer than dirt and kinder than anyone I knew. He was the first person who ever really cared about me instead of who I was pretending to be. And his favorite color was pink, and the cow liked him but the chickens didn't, and he had eyes that were the color of the sea after a storm."

"I'm sorry," Jet murmured. She paused to set him down, scanning the horizon behind them. "Ghoul-"

"Shit," Ghoul hissed. "That pirate's following us." 

"Which means he's good enough to beat Pois," Jet agreed grimly.

Ghoul flashed at grin at her and then one to Kobra. "Looks like I'm getting your revenge instead of Poison, huh, highness?"

Kobra said nothing, so Jet sighed. "Be _careful_."

"I will be, and if I manage to get that bastard then I'll go see if Poison is okay, you have my word."

"Good luck. Be safe."

"And good luck to you too."

The exchange sounded like a goodbye.

Kobra didn't want to think about that as he followed Jet along the dusty road. So he didn’t. Mostly. 

“Tell me more about your farm boy,” Jet murmured. “If you don’t mind, that is. I could just use the distraction.”

It wasn’t hard to summon up things about Cherri. It never was. “He was a runaway. From a neighboring farm. My parents, who ran the farm, then, let him stay. But he had to be a farmhand, so he was. A good one, too. He was gentle but firm with the animals, and he was one of those people who just understood things, like why you’d be sitting outside in the mud in your best red dress.”

“Kind, then?”

“Very. Clever, too, although he’d never been educated well.” 

“And was he funny?” Jet offered a small smile. “Ghoul says that’s the most important trait in a guy behind loyalty. Poison said the most important trait is the person’s ass, but I don’t think they mean that.”

“He was, actually. Really witty, but not in a mean way.” Kobra paused to reflect for a moment. “He did have a nice butt too.”

Jet giggled, and then put a hand over her mouth. “God, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing, but that was a little funny.”

Kobra shrugged. “It’s true. And he was loyal, really loyal. He went to sea to seek his fortune so we could get married, he never would have left me willingly. I guess I can’t say I’ve returned the favor.” 

“I think you did, as much as you could,” Jet said in a way that was probably meant to be comforting. “I can’t say I know much about romance though.”

“Shit love life?”

“Pois is out of my league.”

“Not true.”

She shrugged. “I might be a nice person, but they’re very attractive.”

“Well nice matters too. I say you should go for it.” Kobra didn’t know how giving advice to strangers who had kidnapped him had become his life, but everything was already fucked enough for him not to question it. 

“I’ll keep that in mind, assuming we all make it through today,” she murmured grimly, glancing behind them.

Kobra looked back and found the Dread Pirate Robbins still following them. “Shit.”

“Yeah.” Jet stopped walking, turning the face the pirate instead. “Stay by me, okay? No offense, but you’re a shit fighter.”

“Okay.”

The pirate had reached them within minutes, panting a little. “Gosh, could you all run a little slower? I’m not that fit anymore, I think.”

“No,” Kobra snapped.

“When were you fitter anyways?” Jet wanted to know. 

“Back home on the farm.”

Kobra glared at him as Jet frowned thoughtfully. “Well. I’m assuming you want to fight me for Prince Kobra?”

“Given that you kidnapped him, yes.”

“Then I suggest a battle of wits.” Kobra glanced at the fear on Jet’s face and knew she was picking the area she had a chance of winning at, knowing he could physically beat her teammates. 

“I have a proposal, if you want to hear.”

“Oh?”

“Guess my name, and I’ll let Kobra go with you. If he decides.” The pirate seemed entirely serious. 

Jet frowned and nodded. “How many guesses do I have?”

“As many as you want.”

“You look like a Patrick,” she said instantly. 

“Nope.”

“Will. Auriel. Dowdy.”

“No, no, and no.”

“Hmm. Peter?”

“No.”

Jet tapped her lip. “Can I ask you some questions?”

“Only three that I’ll answer.”

“Do you have a favorite color?”

“Pink, why?”

“I was thinking you might be named after a shade of blue, if you liked it.”

“Ah.” He nodded. “But no.”

“My second question is, where is that scar from?”

The Dread Pirate Robbins glanced down at the scar on the back of his hand. “Being pecked by a particularly vicious hen.”

Kobra stared at it, convinced it was familiar.

“Finally,” Jet went on, “do you like to carve wood?”

“I do, why do you ask?”

“No reason.” Jet turned and whispered to Kobra, very quietly. “What was your farm boy’s name?”

“Cherri,” Kobra said, but aloud, not in a whisper.

He watched the pirate startle almost imperceptibly. “Is that a guess?”

Suddenly, that voice seemed familiar too. “Remove your mask,” Kobra ordered.

“That wasn't a question,” the Dread Pirate Robbins said softly, but he reached for his mask.

“Do it anyways.” 

“As you wish.”

Kobra knew what face he would see before the mask was even fully pulled off, but that didn’t mean he was ready to see a faint smile curl across the lips of someone who had been dead for five years. “Cherri,” he choked out.

“Kobra.” Cherri's eyes were glimmering with tears. 

Kobra was moving before he could even think about it, half-throwing himself into Cherri's arms. "Cher."

"Kobes." Cherri's arms wrapped around Kobra tightly, pulling him close. "I'm sorry. I love you, I love you, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry." 

"Why?"

"I got engaged, Cherri, I didn't want to but-"

Cherri's grip tightened a little, but more in a reassuring way than anything. "Prince Korse always gets his way. It's okay. It's okay. We'll find a way around that."

"We wouldn't have had to if you didn't vanish for five years," Kobra muttered.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Hate to interrupt you two," Jet's voice cut in, "But we're being followed by Prince Korse right now, so if we don't want to get killed I suggest we start running."

Kobra glanced back at the retinue of horses, and then back to Cherri. "Let's go." 

"Where?"

"I have a really stupid plan." Kobra grabbed his love's hand, starting towards the swamp in the distance.

"If you guys are going to the Fire Swamp, I'm out," Jet declared. "No one has ever survived that before."

"We'll prevail," Cherri told her.

"Alright, well I'm going to find Pois and Ghoul." She flashed a smile to Kobra. "Sorry for kidnapping you, highn- Kobra." 

"No problem," Kobra muttered, fully aware of the absurdity of that.

Jet gave him another smile and a nod before she hurried the opposite way as the two of them.

"So what's the really stupid plan?" Cherri asked, following Kobra along the top of the hill.

"Just trust me."

"As you wish-" The last word was cut off by Kobra pulling him down the hill, holding on tightly as they rolled towards the bottom. 

"Ow! Fuck! Ouch! Damnit!" Between the two of them, there was a lot of swearing as they finally slowed to a stop. 

"Ow," Cherri groaned. "I love you, but ow."

"It was the fastest way to get down."

He shrugged. "That's fair. Lead on?"

Kobra did, hauling Cherri towards the fire swamp as fast as they could go. "This is really stupid."

"I know."

"And dangerous."

"I know."

"And I'm probably leading us to our deaths."

"I know."

"And you're still." Kobra had to blink a few times. "Still following me?"

"I would follow you to the ends of the earth," Cherri said earnestly. "I followed you when they took you, knowing Prince Korse would be after you as well. I'll go anywhere you lead me."

"How did you even know they had me?"

"I got lucky, got a tip-off. People tell you things when you're the Dread Pirate Robbins, and someone happened to know that you were taken away by that trio."

"So you're really the Pirate?" The Fire Swamp was only a few yards away, and Kobra redoubled his pace.

"Well, it's a little complicated. See, the Dread Pirate Robbins isn't one person- every few years, someone replaces them and takes the name," Cherri explained.

"And you replaced the last guy?"

"Basically. The long story is that he took me prisoner, intending to execute me, but I begged for my life. I don't remember what I said, probably something along the lines of 'if I don't get back soon, Kobes is going to kill me'."

Kobra groaned. "Please tell me you didn't actually say that to a pirate."

"I was panicking, in my defense."

"What did the pirate say?"

"He said 'what the bloody hell are you on about', I think. And I said 'Kobra. My fiancé. I promised him I was coming home.'" Cherri offered a nervous smile.

"And he said something like 'this happens a lot, why should I spare you'? And I said 'because I promised'. He let me live one more day, and the next day, he let me live a day after that in exchange for a story about you and the farm."

"So you just kept telling him stories?"

"Basically. I told him about you, and how the farm was the first real home I ever had but only because you were there, and how much I loved you. And eventually he let me start swabbing decks, and I worked my way up from there."

"Holy shit." Kobra turned to face Cherri as they stepped fully into the swamp. "Holy shit. You did all that for me?"

"I'm only alive because of you."

"I love you so fucking much," Kobra whispered.

"I love you too," Cherri murmured back.

Despite the fact that they were in the most dangerous swamp ever, supposedly, Kobra took the moment to lean in for a kiss, cupping Cherri's face in his hands. He didn't bother to be especially gentle, too caught up in the relief of having Cherri back, but he did avoid the worst bruises from the hill-tumble. Cherri just gave a tiny gasp and kissed back.

"Never do that again," Kobra murmured when he pulled back.

"Noted," Cherri's voice was breathless. 

"Next time you leave me like that, I'll..."

"Give me a kiss?" Cherri offered hopefully.

Kobra sighed in defeat. "Give you a kiss. There better not be a next time, though."

"There won't be."

At that moment, they were rudely interrupted by a geyser of fire right by Kobra's feet. Thankfully for Kobra, Cherri was quick-thinking enough to grab him and throw them both backward and out of the way.... right into a pit of lightning sand. Kobra grabbed onto a vine by the edge, just barely avoiding falling in, but Cherri toppled right back into the sand.

"Cherri!" Kobra leapt into the pit after him on impulse, still holding onto the vine, and felt Cherri's arms latch around him. Every muscle in his body still ached from the rest of the day, but he was able to pull them up far enough for Cherri to grab the vine and haul himself up alongside Kobra. They both flopped onto solid ground, hacking and coughing. 

"Fuck," Cherri coughed. 

"Dumbass," Kobra grumbled.

"Did you want me to let your ass get flame-roasted?"

"Well no, but don't throw yourself into a pit of lightning sand! I could have lost you!" _And I only just got you back._

"Kobra."

"No."

"Kobra," Cherri said again, and his voice was too pleading to resist. 

Kobra glanced over. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I know that must have been terrifying, I know we only just found each other again-"

"And I thought you were dead for five years."

"And you thought I was dead for five years. But I'm here, huh? We're safe."

Kobra couldn't stop the stubborn tears that pooled in his eyes. "You don't know that."

"I do."

"What about Korse? What about that trio that kidnapped me? What about the dangers of the Fire Swamp? What about-"

"Kobra. Kobes. Listen. I know there are so many dangers out there- and in here- but I also know that we can survive them. Because we're not alone. We have each other, and I will never let them separate us again."

"Promise?"

"I promise." Cherri climbed to his feet, dusting himself off, and offered Kobra a hand. "I won't let anyone take me away from you, or vice versa."

Kobra took Cherri's hand, pulling himself to his feet. "Okay."

Cherri gave his hand a gentle squeeze, and onward they went. 

"Wait, Cher, what about the rodents of unusual size?"

"Those? I don't think they exist, honest-" Cherri was cut off by a truly massive rat bowling him over. "Fuck!"

"Fuck!" Kobra yanked off his shoe and hit the rat over the head with it like he would for a fly in his kitchen. Unlike the fly, the rodent of unusual size didn't die, but it seemed startled enough that Cherri was able to wiggle out from under it and draw his sword. 

"En garde, rodent!" The ROUS didn't reply, predictably, but Cherri stabbed it anyways. "Thanks, Kobes."

"No problem."

They limped their way forward, out of the fire swamp, and found themselves surrounded by Korse's men.

* * *

Meanwhile, Jet Star was carrying a partly conscious and very irritated Fun Ghoul down the road towards where she thought Party Poison would be.

"And the bastard just knocks me out! Doesn't even have th' decency to make it a duel to th' death! 'e was fun to fight though," xe added thoughtfully. "Pretty strong, even if 'e was a bastard."

Jet sighed. "Let's hope he gave Poison the same treatment, huh?"

"Uh-huh." Ghoul wiggled about a bit on her shoulders. "What happened when y' fought 'im, again?"

"I challenged him to a battle of wits, since I figured if he could physically beat both you and Pois then wits were my best shot," Jet recounted. "He challenged me to guess his name, and I guessed a few wrong. But you know how Kobra was telling us about his farm boy fiancé?"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Well, I started to notice that the Dread Pirate Robbins had blue eyes like the sea, just like Kobra described. And he knew Kobra's name, and he refused to hurt Kobra in that fight earlier even if he clearly could have. So I asked him what his favorite color was- he said pink. I asked him where he had gotten a scar on his hand- a chicken had pecked him. I asked if he liked to carve wood- he said yes."

"Why carving wood?"

"Kobra has a wooden ring on a chain around his neck, I noticed it earlier. It's clearly not his ring from Prince Korse, so it would have to be from his old fiancé or maybe one of his parents' wedding ring, but I guessed that his parents would have a nicer ring. So it had to be from his farm boy, who's name is Cherri, by the way."

Ghoul nodded- Jet could feel the motion against her back. "And so you guessed 'is name?" Their voice was getting clearer and stronger, less sleepy, which Jet guessed was a good sign.

Jet nodded. "Well, Kobra did. I asked Kobra what his fiancé’s name was. He said 'Cherri' and the Dread Pirate Robbins- well, Cherri, I guess- stiffened so much I knew it had to be him. They ended up having a whole tearful reunion, but I said no way am I going into the Fire Swamp with you two- that was their plan- so I went back to find you and Poison."

"Oh yeesh. They're not gonna live very long."

"That's what I said, but they did it anyways. Maybe they'll survive somehow."

"I doubt it, but might be possible."

Jet nodded again, and drew to a stop at the ruins. "Poison? Pois?"

"Fucking rat bastard of a fucker!" was the response she received, as Poison came staggering out. "Ow! Fuck! My fucking head."

"Pois! You got knocked out too?" Ghoul wiggled out of Jet's grip, and she let xem. 

"That fucking bastard hit me over the head with a sword hilt!"

"Coulda been a sword blade," Ghoul pointed out, and Jet couldn't help a giggle at the indigent look on Poison's face.

They huffed. "Well now we're not even going to get paid for killing Prince Kobra to start a war! I needed that money so we could find my sibling and the man who killed our parents!"

"You couldn't have killed Kobra anyways," Jet said softly.

"Yes, I could!"

"You wouldn't kill someone who looks five years younger than you and was unable to defend himself in cold blood."

Poison's shoulders slumped. "I wouldn't. I was planning to let him off with a warning of 'go and never come back' and use a fake corpse."

"Softie," Ghoul called, but xe was smiling. "We love ya, Pois."

"We do," Jet murmured.

Poison sighed. "I love you too."

"How concussed _are_ you?"

"Probably very."

So while Ghoul checked Poison over, Jet wondered what was happening to the strange duo of lovebirds, a pirate and a prince's fiancé. She hoped they were safe; they had seemed kind.

* * *

Kobra and Cherri were currently facing down a full squadron of guards and a prince.

"What do you want with us?" Kobra demanded.

"Why, my beautiful fiancé, all I want is to see you returned home safely," Korse said smoothly. "After all, it must have been terribly distressing to be kidnapped by a group of scoundrels and then the Dread Pirate Robbins."

"Flattered you recognize me," Cherri muttered, and Kobra elbowed him.

"Not the fucking time, darling."

"Right, sorry. Anyways, I'm afraid that as the Dread Pirate Robbins, Kobra will be staying safely with me!" Cherri called up to the prince. 

"And I'm afraid that as prince of the land, I cannot allow you to decree that! Besides, my darling fiancé needs to return home to the palace, isn't that right?"

"My home is where Cherri is," Kobra snapped.

"Well, it would be a shame if Cherri simply...wasn't there, then, now wouldn't it?" Korse snapped his fingers, and suddenly bows were pointed at them from all directions, arrows aimed straight at Cherri. 

"I love you," Cherri murmured.

"Don't you fucking make this a goodbye. You _promised_."

"Kobes."

"This isn't goodbye," Kobra insisted, moving to stand in front of Cherri as if that would block all the arrows trained on him. "Korse- listen- I'll go back with you! I'll go back to the palace and get ready for the wedding, if you leave Cherri alive and return him to his ship."

"Is that a promise?" Korse hadn't stopped smirking.

The words felt sick and wrong in his throat, but Kobra forced out an "I promise."

"Kobra." 

Kobra didn't look at Cherri, couldn't bear to see the betrayal on his face. "I never promised _you_ I wouldn't let them separate us. Not if it will keep you safe."

"Kobra-"

"I'm not sorry. I love you."

"I love you too," Cherri whispered.

Kobra still didn't look at Cherri's face as Korse swung him onto the horse.

* * *

Alone in the clearing, Cherri glanced at the men surrounding him. “So I’m guessing the chances of you actually letting me go are low?”

“How did you know?” Korse’s second in command, Count Flare, grinned as she leaned forward on her horse. “You’ll never see the light of day- or your precious Kobra- again.”

“Shit.”

The guard next to him hit him over the head with a dagger hilt, and Cherri got the same experience he had given Poison earlier.

* * *

Meanwhile, back with Jet, Ghoul, and Poison, the Terrific Trio was limping along slowly and very battered-ly. Jet had explained the whole story to Poison, from leaving Ghoul to fight the Dread Pirate Robbins to the reunion with Kobra to the bit about the fire swamp, and they seemed only somewhat frustrated. They needed the money, of course, all of them did, but there were always jobs for thieves, mercenaries, and ne’er-do-wells. Which happened to be what the lot of them were currently. Jet knew Poison hated having to take the time off their search for their missing sibling and the woman who had separated them, but she figured they could look and work. After all, their job did involve lots of travel. So currently their destination was the Thieves Forest, where, with any luck, there would be work for the trio and possibly information for Poison’s search.

Jet also was hoping there might be medical attention for Poison and Ghoul’s head injuries, but she knew that was likely unrealistic. So for now the best she could do was alternate carrying them and try to prevent them from doing dumb things. Although it wasn’t like they weren’t already doing that for each other. Ghoul cared a lot, ever loyal, and Poison liked to _fuss_.

In fact, that was what they were currently doing as Jet carried them down the dusty road. “You’ve got to save your energy, you know. Ghoul needs carrying more than I do, and xe’s shorter anyways, easier to carry.”

“For the last time, Pois, I’m not putting you down.”

“I can walk-“

“And so can Ghoul,” Jet told them firmly. 

“And what about you?” Poison fussed. “I know you’re strong, but you need to rest too.” 

Jet couldn’t help a little smile at seeing Poison’s rare caring side come out. “I’m fine, I’m not that tired.”

“Yeah you are, Jet,” Ghoul put in. “You’ve got that droopy face.”

“Ghoul’s right.”

Jet tried to sigh, but it turned into a yawn on her. “Maybe a little, but what are we going to do about it?”

“You’re going to stop and put me down,” Poison ordered from her arms, “And then Ghoul and I are going to set up the camp tonight.” 

“But-“

“Come on, Jet.” Ghoul was giving her his puppy-dog eyes. “Just for tonight.”

“Please, Star?”

Jet sighed again. Poison knew she could never resist that nickname. “Okay.”

“Hell yeah,” Ghoul whooped quietly. Xe headed off to the side of the road and began starting a fire with startling ease while Jet put Poison down. They flashed her a small grin, and joined Ghoul in setup and cooking. 

Jet was still a little worried, but she let the other two bustle around her, getting bedrolls laid out and handing her a cup of soup, and smiled. Money from Prince Korse or no, they were a trio and they would stick together. That was all Jet really needed anyways.

* * *

Riding on the fastest horses in the land, it only took two days for Kobra and Korse to return to the castle. Much as Kobra dreaded to be caged in the palace again, he was grateful when they arrived back; it meant he could avoid Korse’s company again. The palace was large, and if he kept to separate wings, there was no difficulty in staying out of the prince’s way. And thank goodness for that- Korse was dreadfully dull, especially compared to Kobra’s true love. He was trying not to think about Cherri, though, because if he did he might do something foolish like run away from the castle all on his own. Much as he wanted to do that, he had to stay. Cherri had to be safe, and that meant they had to be separate.

* * *

Cherri was not, in fact, safe. Cherri was currently tied to a table of some sort in what he presumed to be the prince’s secret dungeon. He almost wished Prince Korse would get it over with and kill him; the anticipation was worse than anything. But five years on a pirate ship had taught him never to show weakness to your enemy, and so Cherri flashed Flare a charming grin as the countess entered.

“Good morning, Countess Flare.”

“Good morning, prisoner,” she sneered in return. 

“Well that’s a bit rude, could do me the common decency of a name. Even the farm boys where I lived knew _that_.”

“You are an insufferable one, aren’t you,” Flare mused. “I truly have no idea what Prince Kobra saw in you.”

Cherri tried to match her smirk. “Not even my dashing good looks? Or my sharp wit?”

“Well, you’re brave, I’ll give you that. Most people are crying for mercy before I even start torturing them.”

“I know a lot about pain, Miss Flare.”

“Ah, yes. Pirate, of course. You would, you uncultured scum.”

“I didn’t survive five years on the high seas on _only_ dashing good looks.”

She huffed. “Well, you’re about to find out a lot more about pain.”

“Lovely.”

* * *

It ended up taking the Terrific Trio four days to reach Thieves Forest, walking much slower than horses could run and also dealing with two injured members of the group. By the time they got there, all three had sworn off walking and pirates forever.

“Next time some guy in a black mask wants to kidnap the person we kidnapped, we’re going to let them,” Poison was grumbling. 

“And next time someone says ‘oh, it’s a short trip, you don’t need horses’ we’re not believing them,” Ghoul moaned.

Jet was too tired to even contribute to the conversation, flopping down by the side of the road. The dirt wasn’t especially comfortable, but she would have sat just about anywhere right now.

Poison and Ghoul toppled to the ground next to her with identical groans. 

“Ow.”

"Fuck.”

“Fuck you.”

“Get fucked.”

“Goddamn pirates.”

“FUCK pirates.”

“Not literally, though.”

“Sometimes literally.”

“Gross, Pois.”

“I’m just saying-“

Jet stared up at the tree canopy, contemplating if she could murder Ghoul and Poison and make it look like an accident. Probably not, huh. Although, it wasn’t like she wasn’t already an outlaw. But still. 

Her view of the canopy was rudely interrupted by a head sticking into view. “Hey!”

Before Jet could react to that, Poison had scrambled to their feet and had a knife at the stranger’s throat. 

“Whoa, whoa, calm down! I just saw you guys passed out here and figured you might want to go somewhere you’re less likely to get run over by a wagon.”

“I guess so,” Poison muttered, lowering their knife as Ghoul scrambled to his feet and offered Jet a hand up.

She took it, standing up with a wince. “Lead on, whoever you are.”

“NewsAGoGo, at your service! And I’ll take you to meet my girlfriend, Chimp.”

“I’m Fun Ghoul,” Ghoul put in helpfully.

“Jet Star.”

“Poison.”

“Ooh, edgy,” NewsAGoGo laughed. She led them down the path to a surprisingly nice cottage, for being in Thieves Forest. “Chimp, darling, I’m back!”

The person sitting in the cottage, a tall woman with sharp features, looked up and waved. Seeing the three of them, she startled and glanced at Newsie, signing something in what Jet recognized as the most common form of sign language around here.

“They’re visitors, I found them in the forest and figured they needed a place to crash for a bit,” Newsie explained.

Chimp nodded and signed something else that Jet was too slow to catch.

Newsie glanced at the trio. “How good is you all’s sign language?”

“Good,” Ghoul answered instantly.

“Not so good,” Poison said.

“Middling,” Jet told them. 

“Gotcha. Well, Chimp uses sign language most of the time, although she can hear fine, so either Ghoul or I can translate.”

Jet nodded. “And I can get some, I’m just slow at it.”

“That’s okay,” Chimp signed slowly to her, offering a smile alongside the motion. “I usually sign quickly because Newsie is quick. But I will go a little more slowly for you.”

Poison still looked a little lost, but Ghoul grinned and flashed a thumbs-up. “Thanks, Chimp.”

“What are your names?” She tilted her head curiously.

“Ghoul. Fun Ghoul, really.”

“Poison,” Poison yawned.

“Jet Star.”

“Nice to meet you,” Chimp signed. “I’m Hot Chimp.” She made what Jet assumed was her name sign, but finger spelled it after.

Ghoul and Poison both nodded along, and Jet did with them. “Nice to meet you too!”

They slept on NewsAGoGo and Hot Chimp’s floor that night, and the next morning asked for more information.

“We’re looking for three things,” Poison said.

Newsie nodded. “Go on?”

“Number one, work. We can steal, cheat at cards, and fight people, mostly, but we’ll take any job we can get.”

“Work, we can do,” Chimp signed. 

“There are always people who need people to fight for them,” Newsie agreed. “What are the other things?”

“Number two, information about the whereabouts of my sibling. They would be twenty-four this year, probably blond, with freckles and hazel eyes like me. They loved snakes, and they were small but fierce. Might have gone by the nickname Kid.”

“Can you tell us anything else about them?” Newsie asked, glancing at Chimp.

Poison stared at the table and shook their head. “I haven’t seen them in nineteen years.”

“Oh. That does make it significantly harder.” 

Jet knew it tore Poison up that they had never been able to find the younger sibling who had been taken away from them after the death of the two’s parents, and she knew it hurt even more that they might not even recognize their sibling should they find the kid now. So she watched Newsie and Chimp’s faces and prayed the duo would have information for them.

“I don’t think we have any information,” Chimp signed, frowning. “I’m sorry.”

Newsie translated, and Poison’s shoulders slumped a little in defeat. “Alright, well. Number three, information about the whereabouts of a woman with six fingers on her right hand.”

The couple glanced at each other, and Newsie let out a cackling laugh. “Well, that one’s easy. Countess Flare, right hand to the prince, has six fingers on her right hand.“

* * *

Kobra stared out the window of the castle, wishing it was close enough for him to see the sea. Maybe it was a foolish hope, but if he saw the flag of The Renegade, then he would know Cherri was safe. But The Renegade would never sail so close to shore, and it wasn’t as if Kobra could see the ocean anyways, so he was stuck staring out his window and trying not to think about the betrayal in Cherri’s voice at their last parting. Well, he was until Korse showed up.

“Hello, darling,” the prince purred.

Kobra didn’t reply.

“Why do you wear such a sad expression, my dear? Our wedding nears, surely you should be joyful?”

“I do not love you,” Kobra answered flatly. “You always knew that.”

“And what gesture can I give to remedy this? I have already showered you with gifts and affection, as you know.”

“You can give me Cherri back.”

He didn’t turn around, but he could imagine the distaste on Korse’s face from only his voice. “You would have a humble farm boy, a disgraceful pirate, over a prince?” 

“I love the farm boy. I do not love the prince.”

Korse’s voice grew cold. “Very well. You want your farm boy back? I will send my fastest ships to look for him and tell him so. And if he arrives by the wedding, he will be the one to marry you. If he does not arrive in time, you will consent to marry me. Are we agreed?”

Kobra turned to stare at him, and then finally nodded. “We’re agreed.”

Korse made to walk away, but Kobra couldn’t resist a parting shot. “Just so you know, I may marry you, but I will _never_ love you. Every ounce of gold in your coffers can’t make up for the fact that you’re not Cherri and never will be.”

“I would not say that, if I were you,” the prince growled.

“And what are you going to do? Kill your groom?”

“I will kill your Cherri, slowly and painfully.”

Kobra ignored the fear that gripped his heart at that. “Very well, I will not say that. But I will say that Cherri’s ten times the man that you will ever be.”

He hurried away before Korse could react to that.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Newsie and Chimp’s hut, Poison was pacing frantically.

“We need, we need someone skilled, to help us break into the castle.” 

“Sorry, kid, I’m retired,” Newsie called, kicking her feet up on the table.

“Not you- and don’t call me kid-“ Poison whirled around, almost jabbing Jet in the chest. “I know who we need!”

“Who, boss?” Ghoul was sitting cross-legged on the table next to Newsie’s feet.

“The Dread Pirate Robbins! Think about it,” they went on. “He’s capable of beating me in a swordfight, and Ghoul in a fistfight. So clearly he’s strong. He might not have been able to beat Jet in a contest of wits, but, well, she’s Jet.”

“No one can beat Jet,” Ghoul agreed, and Jet felt her cheeks warm a bit. 

“Exactly! Besides, his dueling tactics were clever, so clearly he’s got some intelligence. And Jet can make up for what he lacks easily.”

Newsie snickered, but didn’t interrupt.

“Anyways, we need to find him!”

At that moment, a scream cut through the air, audible even inside the hut.

* * *

A few moments before that, in the dungeon where Cherri was kept, he watched Prince Korse hurry in with rage written all across his face.

“Hello, your highness. Something got you all worked up?”

Korse shot him a glare so poisonous that Cherri almost winced. “Only my idiot of a fiancé.”

“So Kobra kicked your ass at something, huh? Told you what he really thinks of your ugly ass?” Cherri couldn’t resist a swell of pride at that.

“He did, and now he and you are going to suffer for it.”

Cherri flinched as he approached the rack of tools, and he didn’t manage to hold in a scream as his vision went black.

* * *

“That sounded like him,” Poison hissed, back at Newsie’s hut.

“How the fuck do you know, you talked to him for ten minutes!”

“I just do! Now follow me!”

Newsie and Chimp waved goodbye as Jet and Ghoul hurried outside after their leader. They followed Poison through the forest to an isolated clearing, but the noise had stopped by the time they halted.

“He’s definitely dead,” Ghoul whispered to Jet. “No way a human makes a noise like that and it’s not a dying scream.”

Jet privately agreed, but she only nodded slightly as Poison hurried around. 

“Come on, come on, I know he has to be here-“ They drew their sword, slashing at the air in frustration, and Jet and Ghoul wisely stepped back.

“Fuck. Fuck!” Poison’s sword flew out of their hand, and landed straight in a knot of a tree trunk- which promptly swung open, revealing a passageway below it.

“Holy shit,” Ghoul said.

Poison was already grabbing their sword and sprinting down the stairs. Jet and Ghoul followed, glancing at each other with expressions of long-suffering. 

To Jet’s surprise, at the bottom, they found the Dread Pirate Robbins…sprawled, clearly dead, on a table in what appeared to be a torture chamber. 

“Ghoul, check if he’s dead,” Poison ordered.

Ghoul did, putting xyr head on the pirate’s chest. “Yep, he’s dead, boss.”

“Damnit! He’s not supposed to be dead!”

“Well he is,” Ghoul snapped back. “So what are we going to do about it?”

Jet sighed softly and tapped Poison on the shoulder. “You know, we might have enough to buy a miracle from Dr. Death Defying.”

“Jet, you’re a genius!” Ghoul crowed. 

“Thanks, Ghoulie.” Jet gave him a smile while she said that, lifting Cherri off the table. “Let’s go, shall we?”

Poison charged ahead again, and Jet didn’t mind that as they made their way to Dr. Death Defying’s hut in the woods. Ghoul knocked politely, and then Poison banged on the door.

“We’re closed for business!”

“We need a miracle!” Poison hollered back.

“Well too bad, I’m not a doctor anymore!”

“Please?” Ghoul stuck xyr entire head through Dr. D’s little window. “Just one miracle? We’ll pay, too, but we really need this guy to be not dead so Pois can kill the person who killed their parents.”

Dr. Death Defying sighed and pulled open the door. “Come in, let’s not yell about miracles all over the woods.”

“So, can you fix him?” Poison asked. 

“Fix? Dubious, unless he’s not as dead as you say.”

“Oh, don’t listen to them!” That was a person who was mysteriously on wheels, sliding out of the back. “Ever since Prince Korse fired them, they’ve got no confidence, but they’re the best doctor in the land!”

Dr. D groaned. “Get back, witch!”

“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife!”

“I only married you for tax reasons!”

“I know, you dumbass!” The wife flashed them all a grin. “I’m Show Pony, most beloved wife in ALL the land. Now come on, D, fix the nice kids’ friend.”

“He’s not our friend, he’s the Dread Pirate Robbins,” Poison huffed.

Ghoul looked disappointed. “I don’t know, he’s pretty nice. Maybe he’s our friend!”

“He knocked me out!”

Jet sighed. “How much, Dr. Death Defying?”

The doctor looked up from prodding Cherri. “Well, I usually only work for a hundred, without very good reason. You’re lucky, though; your friend here is only mostly dead. Mostly dead, I can fix.”

“If they’re all dead, there’s only one thing to do,” Pony chirped.

“What’s that?” Jet asked curiously.

“Go through their pockets and look for loose change!” Ae looked extremely pleased with aerself as Dr. D sighed. 

“Well, can you pay?”

“We have sixty,” Poison told him.

“I never work for so little.”

“Please, mx.” Jet didn’t know what she was doing, but she had to try. For Poison’s sake. “We need him, Poison has to get revenge for their parents and find their sibling.”

“It’s a real noble cause,” Ghoul agreed, and when Jet peeked over, she saw them do their most pleading face. So she fixed on a pleading look as well, elbowing Poison to do the same.

“Aw, D, come on, look at their faces,” Pony pleaded.

“Fine,” Dr. D sighed finally. “I’ll fix him. Only this once!”

* * *

Twenty minutes later, they were trying to get the Dread Pirate Robbins to eat a disgusting chocolate-covered ‘miracle’. And five minutes after that, Ghoul was helpfully batting at his face as he slowly blinked his eyes open.

“Hello? What- what happened?”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Poison told him. “All we know is that you died, and then Dr. Death Defying the miracle worker fixed you up.”

“Why?” Cherri’s head lolled to the side, and Ghoul helpfully propped it back up.

“We need your help. The woman who killed my parents is in that castle, and we need to get into it.”

Cherri tried to sit up straighter and toppled over. “Ow. Shit. So why did you need me for this?”

Poison was pacing again. “Well, one, you’re the best fighter I’ve ever met. Two, we know you have a personal investment.”

“Huh?” Jet pulled Cherri upright so he could ask that with more force, and he shot her a grateful smile. “You know…”

“That your lover is about to be married to Prince Korse. If you help us get into the castle, we’ll help you get your Kobra out.”

“I’m in.”

* * *

Currently, Kobra was trying to believe Cherri would arrive in time as he fixed his hair up for the wedding. “Please, Cherri,” he whispered to the hairpin in his hand. “If you love me- if you can- please, show up before I’m tied to that bastard forever.”

The hairpin, unlike Cherri would have, did not say a quiet ‘as you wish’.

Kobra blinked furiously and jabbed it through his hair. 

Korse arrived ten minutes later, beating Cherri to the punch, and down to the chapel they went. 

* * *

Outside the castle, Ghoul was using some sort of contraption to make the dragon costume they had found breathe fire while Jet kept the ‘dragon’ moving, and Poison threatened the castle guards.

“I am a great sorcerer! And I hereby declare that all shall leave this place,” They roared. “Lest they risk the wrath of the Sorcerer Poison!”

The men at the castle gate went running away, and Jet staggered forward a few steps with Poison balanced on her shoulders. 

“Give us the gate key,” Poison ordered.

The only man left standing gave a shrug. “What gate key?”

“Ghoulie, flame-roast him.”

“Oh, you mean this gate key!” 

Into the castle the quartet went, the others taking turns dragging Cherri along until they were at a window adjacent to and somewhat above the chapel. 

“Here, I can take it from here,” Cherri promised, leaning heavily on one of the walls. 

“Fantastic. We’ll be back in thirty minutes, be here with your boyfriend or not,” Poison told him.

Jet glanced at Ghoul, who shrugged, and together they followed Poison, as always.

* * *

At the wedding alter, Kobra watched with horror as the priest droned on, and on, and on, about love and eternal commitment. Being devoted to your spouse forever, remaining by their side for the rest of your life- Kobra wanted to run out of the chapel as fast as possible. The only good thing about the priest going on and on was that it gave Cherri more time to arrive.

“Please, Cherri,” Kobra murmured under his breath. “If you’re here, now would really be the moment to intervene.”

There was no reply again, and finally, Kobra couldn’t take it anymore.

“I won’t marry you!”

“Whatever do you mean, darling?” Korse’s smile was just as forced as ever, more of a grimace than a grin.

“I mean that I won’t marry you! Cherri will come back for me, he always has, and then you’ll be sorry. Really sorry, since he’s a braver, kinder, more intelligent man than you could ever be.”

“Oh? Well prove it.”

Kobra looked up, and took a deep breath, praying to any power he could think of. “Cherri, if you can hear this, please come back for me. Prove to Korse that he can’t marry me.”

For a few, agonizing moments, the silence dragged on, and Kobra’s heart slowly fell. He was a fool to think Cherri could get here in time, or even would dare to interrupt a royal wedding.

The silence was then was abruptly broken by the shattering of one of the stained glass windows. Colored glass rained down, shattering on the floor just like Kobra’s hope only seconds ago. And amidst it all was a figure dressed in all black, rolling across the floor and dragging himself upright next to Kobra and Korse.

“As you wish,” Cherri Cola said simply.

* * *

In a different wing of the castle, Poison was furiously chasing Countess Flare through the maze of passageways. Jet and Ghoul had split off sometime earlier, realizing that they had agreed to meet Cherri around now, and they were running down a winding staircase, around and around. 

At the bottom, they found a knife waiting for them, slashing across their stomach. Poison staggered, holding back a scream. “Fuck!”

“Too slow again, brat,” Flare’s clear voice replied.

“Fuck you!”

“You are that brat I wounded, right? The one with cherry-red hair and all the intelligent of a rotten potato?” 

“I-“

“You’ve been chasing me the whole time,” Flare mused. “And now you’re going to fail, just when you finally found me. Isn’t that just heartbreaking? Isn’t that just the worst thing you’ve ever heard? Besides killing two siblings’ parents, maiming the older one, and depositing the younger one on a farm with surrogate parents who wouldn’t love her right, that is.”

“Kid- Kid’s alive?”

“And in this castle, actually,” Flare smirked. “I believe he goes by Kobra, now.”

As Poison was still dealing with the revelation that their baby brother had been under their nose the whole time, she stepped forward, and slashed a mark across each of their cheeks, right below where she had maimed them earlier. That was her fatal mistake, as Poison had their own knife. And it slashed straight across her chest, just hard enough to maim.

Flare staggered backward.

Poison stepped forward, drawing their sword.

“Brat,” Flare hissed.

“My name is Party Poison. You killed my parents. Prepare to die.”

“You can’t kill me.”

“My name is Party Poison. You took my brother. Prepare to die.”

“Stop saying that!”

“My name is Party Poison. You scarred me twice. Prepare to die.”

By now, they had backed her up into one corner of the room, and it was only a matter of minutes to disarm her and make four slashes on her cheek. 

“One for my mother.”

Flare flinched.

“One for my father.”

She winced.

“One for my brother.”

“Are we done yet-“

“And one for me.” Poison held the blade under her chin. “You tore my family apart, and now I will tear _you_ apart.”

“I’ll give you money,” Flare begged.

“Go on.”

“Power.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Anything you want.”

“I want my family back, you rat’s ass,” Poison hissed, and they did not regret it when their blade sank into her neck.

* * *

Meanwhile, Korse was sputtering at the person who was definitely certainly by all rights supposed to be dead, and Kobra was resisting the urge to throw himself into Cherri’s arms.

“Anyways, I’ve come for my fiancé,” Cherri said casually, as if he was discussing the weather. “I’m afraid if you don’t allow him to leave, I will be forced to commit a couple of felonies.”

“You wouldn’t,” Korse hissed.

“I would. I’m the Dread Pirate Robbins, after all, best swordfighter in the land.”

“And what will you do to me?”

“Well, first off, I’m not opposed to killing you. But I’m afraid a crime such as kidnapping someone to be married against their will merits a slow, painful death.”

“Like what?”

“Have you heard of this custom called the death of a thousand cuts?” Kobra barely recognized his gentle Cherri underneath the disquieting smirk he wore- not to mention the blood dripping down his forehead from where one of the glass panels had slashed him. “Every minute or so, the victim is slashed with a blade, and the wound instantly cauterized, until eventually they die from the combined blood loss and shock. It’s an intensely painful way to go, I’ve heard.”

Korse blanched. “You couldn’t.”

“I could.” Cherri’s confident gaze was unshakable.

Korse stepped aside.

Kobra reached out a hand, which Cherri took, leaning on heavily as they made their way down the aisle and out the chapel doors.

“Got a little almost-dead,” Cherri murmured.

“A little _what_?”

“Tell you later.”

They reached the outdoors, and found three people Kobra unfortunately recognized, all waiting with horses. 

“Hey, pri- Kobra!” Ghoul the outlaw greeted enthusiastically. “Hey, Cola! We got some horses for us all, since we figured we’d probably need to make a quick escape.”

“What the-“

“I had to work with them to get into the castle, tell you later,” Cherri promised. He let Jet heft him onto a horse, and Kobra swung on after him, noticing Poison’s gaze on him.

“What?” Kobra snapped.

“Flare told me something,” Poison said vaguely.

“Long story short, they’re your sibling,” Jet cut in.

Poison gaped at her. “I didn’t- how-“

“Jet the genius, remember? Your sibling is about twenty-four; so is Kobra. Your sibling is blond, with freckles, hazel eyes, and a mole next to their mouth; so is Kobra. You two have the same nose, same eye shape. And your mannerisms are surprisingly similar.”

Kobra stared at her as well. “My sibling is dead. I watched- I watched-“ He scrunched up his face, trying to remember. “I didn’t see, actually, but my parents told me my sibling had died tragically.”

“Bastards,” Poison growled. “I’ve been looking for you for nineteen years, Kid.”

The nickname sounded just right in their voice, and incredulous as Kobra was, he had no doubt now that the fiery redhead was the sibling he had loved.

And away he rode into the sunset, with the love of his life holding onto his waist, his sibling on the horse beside him, and two people who would become his best friends.

* * *

End Credits:

Starring...

Kobra Kid as Buttercup

Cherri Cola as Wesley

Party Poison as Inigo Montoya 

Fun Ghoul as Fezzik

Jet Star as Vizzini 

Korse as Prince Humperdink

Exterminator Flare as Count Rugen

Dr. Death Defying as Miracle Max

Show Pony as Valerie

And NewsAGoGo and Hot Chimp as the lesbian couple I made up.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this mess please do leave a comment or maybe check out my tumblr @always-and-forever-a-killjoy


End file.
